The rich women are back and, honey, they are doing things, but mostly they just sit in this teepee and try to get over last season. This episode is upside-down for a Housewives premiere: Usually we start by checking in with each of the ladies, seeing a bit of their home life, and then bring them all together for a party or some other kind of group event, but this episode starts by gathering them all under Eaglewoman’s copious shawl and then sends them out into their homes. This is probably so the episode can end on Kyle and Mauricio, who are sure to be the lynchpin of this season for obvious reasons.
There’s another valid reason for this sit-down, since it seems that none of the women have seen each other, talked to each other, or hung out since the last reunion, where Kyle ruined her mascara and pointy Synergy earrings getting into it with her sister Kathy. As much as Dorit wants to sell this as spiritual healing, it’s really a project kick-off meeting for a bunch of colleagues. “Okay, guys, the season is coming up and we all need to get on the same page. Meet me in Malibu. There will be a shaman. Love Dorit.”
There are a few excellent moments even before they get to Eaglewoman’s ceremony. The first is when Erika is talking about not having “her friend” by her side anymore, meaning Lisa Rinna. We then get Lisa’s email to Bravo where she quit. “Thank you for a great 8 years!!!!” Lisa writes. Um, that’s it? That’s how it went down? It’s always been my contention that, with a few very prominent exceptions, most Housewives get fired rather than leave the show voluntarily. This makes it looks like Lisa quit, but who does that narrative serve? It definitely serves Lisa, who doesn’t want the public thinking she was fired, but why does this show care about how Lisa feels anymore? Does it serve Bravo? Is this to say, “Well, she never got fired …” when they inevitably bring her back in three seasons with a smaller paycheck and fire in her gut? Probably that.
The other amazing moment is when Erika shows up at the site of the ritual sacrifice and Kyle says, “Oh my God, are you the Incredible Shrinking Woman?” and Erika replies, “Are you?” Yes, both of them have gotten considerably skinnier than they were last year. Kyle says it is thanks to diet, exercise, and not drinking. Erika says that she is on some “good hormones.” It also probably helps that she’s gotten off of Lexapro. Thankfully we have Dorit to come on and say, “Are hormones spelled O-Z-E-M-P-I-C?”
Both Erika and Kyle deny that they are on the miracle weight-loss drug that has cut a swath through the Housewives diaspora. Much like believing most Housewives who leave get fired, I also would believe that any Housewife showing rapid weight loss over the past year has probably tried the Vitamin O. I will take Kyle and Erika’s word for it, however, I think the women who are on it should cop to it. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about getting whatever help you need to achieve the body you desire, but I do think there is something wrong and shameful about lying to people about it, and for me that goes for everything from dropping a bunch of LBs to plastic surgery, fillers, and the rest.
When the women start talking, there are two major beefs. The first is between Erika and Dorit. (Sidebar: I think Dorit is personally trolling me with her confessional looks, especially the one where she has CHA on one collar and NEL on the other one, like her earrings from a few seasons ago got tired and decided to slump down her neck to take a nap.) Dorit is pissed that when Erika was asked at BravoCon who the next couple to get divorced would be, she chose Dorit and PK, the contents of a toilet bowl after you had food poisoning so bad you had to barf on top of your diarrhea. She says it was a shady question and she gave a shady answer, that she didn’t want to answer the question, and the reason she was so flip was because she was selling it to the crowd. Dorit says that it’s a defense, but Erika says she’s not defending it, just explaining how it went down.
I see Erika’s point, especially when she asks Dorit if her marriage is strong and Dorit says yes. If they’re still together, why should it bother her? But I also get Dorit’s point. Even if your marriage is great, you certainly don’t want to be out there defending it in the press unnecessarily because of some bitchy thing your friend said at a reality television trade show. In the moment, Sutton doesn’t say anything, but in confessional she says that when PK, a puss-filled scab the size of a manhole cover, got pulled over for his DUI he had another woman in the car. Hm, that sure would explain why he said he wasn’t going to tell Dorit about it at all when it occurred last season.
While this BravoCon stuff is a little tedious, it does lead to Erika saying what she’s needed to say for two years. “I was getting hit on all sides and I just needed a moment to catch my breath in this group,” she tells the women. “But as your friend, I would like to apologize if I was rough, if I was vicious. I have never felt so low. I have never felt so hurt. I love you all and I am very sorry.” She says this while crying and not wiping the tears from her face, which seems to be against some sort of evolutionary imperative. Garcelle responds by saying she’s ready to get to know Erika again, but doesn’t quite trust her yet, which is totally fair. I’m just glad Erika finally apologized for how, yes, vicious she was to some of the women the past two seasons.
The other big beef is really about Kyle and Kathy. Kyle says that at the reunion, when she and Kathy were really getting into it, she didn’t get a lot of support from the other women and that really upset her. Garcelle says she was confused by Kyle because she wasn’t going after Erika and Rinna for attacking her sister. Kyle says she didn’t want to defend Kathy anymore and she certainly didn’t want to defend Kathy attacking her and her family. Now that she explains it that way, Kyle’s behavior at the end of last season makes so much more sense. Yes, she was mad at Rinna for bringing it up, but it seems like she was angrier at Kathy for continuing to treat her like shit.
After that, there’s a group hug and they all decide they’re going to have the best season of tearing each other apart. Cut to the home scenes. Sutton meets with Jennifer Tilly at her store and introduces us to Avi, the new gay assistant who is replacing the old gay assistant who probably embezzled from Sutton and is opening an all-male, clothing-optional resort in Zipolite as we speak. Sutton talks about her horse, Storyline. I have a feeling that we are going to be hearing a lot about this horse, but a Housewife has never had a horse before. Okay, sure, LVP had mini horses, but this is a maxi horse!
Then we move on to Crystal. Oh wait. Never mind. She doesn’t get a home visit. Or to say anything to Eaglewoman. Or a confessional. Is Crystal even here or did Carlton abduct her?
Next, we move on to Garcelle and her boys and it is one of the most devastating scenes I have ever seen on reality television, and I have seen literally all of reality television. As they’re picnicking on the beach, Garcelle is talking about how she’s been gone often from her twins, Jax and Jaid, who are about two years away from being the male Gigi and Bella. Jaid is obsessed with his girlfriend, but Jax is obsessed with making his mother feel bad. When she asks if they want her around more, he basically says that he needed her two years ago and she wasn’t there, he doesn’t need her now. Oof. You could feel that through the screen, the sting of his words like the pellets of sand hitting her face on that windy beach.
Finally, Kyle heads to Dorit’s where the two split a personal-sized pizza on Dorit’s infamous Hermex plates, which is the most Beverly Hills thing I have ever seen. I don’t think either of them even ate it, they probably gave it to Dorit’s new dog, Lucy Lucy Apple Two-cy. The biggest thing we learn is that Dorit and PK, a scarecrow filled entirely with loose pubes, haven’t felt connected because she was going through her PTSD from the robbery and he was away in London. They are currently in therapy. Maybe Erika is the new Allison Dubois.
We end the episode where it all began, with Kyle. She’s at home trying to talk to Maurcio, who is wearing this blue-and-white-striped shawl-collared cardigan and he looks like the hottest stoner in all of Venice Beach and I want to bury my face in all of his crevices. Kyle does not feel the same way. In fact, she’s impatient with him to get off the phone. She doesn’t want to have to schedule a time to talk about their schedules, but here they are. He doesn’t even know how many tattoos she currently has. After a tour of the Morgan-inspired ink across her body, she tells him he should maybe be looking a bit more closely.