You are currently viewing Daddy (T)issues: “The Real Housewives of Miami” Season 6, Episode 16 recap

Daddy (T)issues: “The Real Housewives of Miami” Season 6, Episode 16 recap

Rumors about Larsa and Marcus swirled Sunday night against the backdrop of the highly-rated Super Bowl, and they also leaked into this episode. (Coincidence? I think…probably not.) It first comes up in Miami when Julia asks point blank whether or not MJ approves of their relationship, and Larsa says, “He’s cool,” which is something that could mean any number of things but does not mean that he supports this relationship. This is confirmed later in the episode when news breaks that Michael does not approve of the relationship.

The theme of families continues with our girl Lisa, who talks to Nicole about her romantic history. She says that her parents have a strange relationship and aren’t divorced but haven’t slept in the same room her entire life. She says the situation was so bad that she left at 15 to go live with a boyfriend, and then left that situation at 18 to go live with another boyfriend, and that’s when she met Lenny. She’s now onto her fourth boyfriend, who is totally taking care of her. Steve Wynn, a man who is so blind he ruined a $20 million Picasso, can see the pattern here.

What’s even scarier is that later, we find out that Lenny signed their divorce settlement, which means he’s building her a waterfront home, which seems like the stupidest plan I ever heard. Lenny is going to build that house out of half-melted LEGOs and leftover breast implants, and Lisa and the kids are going to be living there in 2052 when he finally constructs it. Anyway, he found plans for a house that he loves, and they’re the exact plans Jody would use to build his own house. What kind of crazy Canadian house thief is Jody? First, he takes Adriana’s, and then he gives a house to Lisa. He’s like that guy who gives his sperm away for free on the internet, but with houses.

Alexia drops Frankie off at the de Moya Foundation so that he can work on his independence, and the woman who runs it is like, “Get out of here. You’re not even supposed to be here,” and as the only person who will stand up to Alexia she is already my favorite person on the whole damn show. Alexia has another interlude where she and Julia go to sell their raspberry and guava jam, and, yes, I might have learned everything I know about cooking from old episodes of Top Chef, but that does not sound like a flavor combination that I would want to experience.

But all of this family stuff happened in Miami after the women’s trip was over. In the first half of the episode, they’re still in Mexico, and Kiki and Lisa are having a Mexican standoff because neither of them wants to talk about the fight they had last episode. Finally, when they’re at a local market, Kiki pulls Lisa aside for a chat, and you know it’s serious because she takes off her sunglasses. It’s boring, though; they both apologize and say that they’re going to move on, but no one addresses that Lisa was the only one wrong in this situation.

Well, maybe Alexia and Marysol address it a little bit when Marysol tells a damning story about Lisa. Just the day before, Marysol is telling Lisa that she’s going on a European vacation that ends with a vow renewal for her and her husband in Scotland. (A vow renewal?! Call the divorce attorney!) Lisa asks her, “Who are we talking about now?” Um, Marysol’s husband. His name is Steve, and he’s a gringo with two kids who are almost college age. I know that, and I just watch the show. Lisa lives it and is still not interested in these details. Alexia says that Lisa only cares about Lisa, and she’s kind of fine with it.

That’s the thing about Lisa’s oblivious narcissism: You almost don’t mind it because you know what it is, and it doesn’t seem malicious. Like she’s not mad at you for taking attention, she’s just not going to give you any. Larsa’s narcissism, on the other hand, is something different. When the women go to taste her new tequila that she sunk $800,000 into and it’s still not as good as Kathy Hilton’s or Lisa Rinna’s or Kendall Jenner’s or Lisa Barlow’s or … Anyway, Larsa apologizes to Alexia for getting in a fight with her a few episodes back and insists she was just angry cause she works so hard. “We all work hard,” Alexia says, and the cat-eye glasses she was wearing jumped right off her face and clawed Larsa’s eyes out.

While they’re at the tequila tasting, Larsa gives what is possibly the worst gift in Real Housewives history. It’s worse than when Kim gave back the blue bunny, worse than Bethenny’s Skinny Girl–branded totes on Scary Island, worse than Melissa Gorga’s sprinkle cookies. She tells the ladies that the guys she partnered with on the tequila brand made her a diamond necklace in the shape of the tequila’s logo, which looks sort of like the CBS eye logo but on ketamine. She then tells them that she had the same necklaces made for everyone, but she only got three of them on time, and they go to birthday girls Kiki and Julia and also Alexia for some reason. As Kiki quite astutely points out, giving someone a diamond necklace is a great idea until you realize that it’s just branding; it’s just swag. You just turned the Burger Queen’s perfect neck into a giant billboard. How dare you?!

But as everyone settles down to birthday dinner … okay, well, not everyone. Lisa had to go home early for court, Nicole had to go back because she is the only person on Bravo with an actual job, and Guerdy was in her room coughing up green shit and wondering where she can get some of the ketamine they gave to Larsa’s ludicrous talismans. So, everyone who is left is at dinner, and they’re having a great time. Marysol and Kiki buy a piñata and fill it with enormous dildos. They reach in, pull one out, and throw them at each other around the table. When cakes come out for Kiki and Julia, they push both of their faces into the cake, and the next thing you know, every face and dildo in the restaurant is covered in icing and a smile.