Lisa broke the group into three groups of three for a scavenger hunt. Each team got a list of things to find or do in the house and a Polaroid to document all of them. Immediately the most fun trio is our Cuban ladies: Alexia, Marysol, and Dr. Nicole. They go outside and slug down a shot, Marysol gives Nicole a lap dance, and they crawl around on the floor like sexy animals. Then they go into Kiki’s room and start looking through her bag for either a tampon, red underwear, or lip gloss. Instead, they find her dildo, or as the Cuban Teresa Giudice mispronounces it, a “dildu.” Dr. Nicole is on the slut-shaming tip and says, “Who goes for a girls’ trip with the intention of masturbating.” All of them should! Masturbation is like the merry-go-round of the body and everyone who isn’t riding that shit daily (for free, minus any porn subscriptions) is really missing out.
Team Cuban Sandwiches dominates the competition so thoroughly that we don’t even see what the rest of the teams are up to. But it’s dwarfed by a really sweet moment between Marysol and Nicole post-hunt. Marysol decides that after two years of being on the show, she’s finally going to cut Nicole some slack. “You were good. You probably hate me a lot because I was such a pill,” she tells Nicole, who agrees with the sentiment. Marysol admits what we all intuited: The legacy ladies didn’t trust the newbies and were hazing them for at least the first full season and perhaps even the second. They have a nice laugh and an apology, and, for a change, I love to see Housewives getting along.
Then, as if that weren’t enough, Marysol and Alexia try to get the shade down in their room by jumping for it, getting Marysol to climb on Alexia’s back, and conjuring up an ancient voodoo spell. Finally, after they’ve given up, Alexia finds the switch. They were automatic all along. If Alexia is here, then Franklin Lakes is missing its Teresa. And then on the car ride there, we found out that the only threesome that Kiki has had is with two dildus, and I didn’t think I could love Kiki more, but I somehow found it.
That’s kind of it. That’s the whole first act, which we called the thing before the first commercial break even though no one watches with commercials anymore. I loved it. I don’t need the fighting, I don’t need the yelling, I just needed to have a fun time. We have plenty of fun in the rest of the episode too. What about when the ladies all go to play croquet in matching vintage convertibles, and one of them breaks down and six of them have to pile in one car like they’re the Olympic Gymnastics Team returned for a ticker-tape parade? Nothing is happening necessarily, but I LOLed. Or what about Larsa talking about Lisa charging $10,000 a month on Instacart, mostly by ordering makeup from Sephora? Amazing.