We have seen a boat nearly capsize. We have seen multiple people go to prison. We have seen divorce, death, eviction, a father refusing to talk to his adult daughter, a few wine tosses, more than a couple of slaps, and whatever you can call Teddi Mellencamp (say her name three times and she will appear). Among all of those stories, we have never had a cancer story. Okay, that’s not entirely true. Brooks Ayers had fake cancer, and his girlfriend, Victoria Denise Gunvalson Jr., had a fake charity called Kill All Cancer. Sainted Househusbands Gregg Leakes and Bobby Zarin both died of very real cancer, but their struggles happened mostly off-camera. But we have never seen a Housewife have to deal with cancer.
Until now, and I am not at all ready for it. I’m sorry. I love Guerdy so much and I am not ready to see her suffer. We all knew that Guerda Abraira was diagnosed with breast cancer, but knowing it and seeing it are two different things. Throughout the episode, we see the diagnosis settling in. We first see Guerdy when she goes to Dr. Nicole’s house, which is on its own fucking peninsula and costs more than $20 million, and I just wish that I married a hot, rich bear like Anthony. They sit in Nicole’s new backyard on the water, and Guerdy talks about some abnormalities in her mammogram. Nicole tells her not to worry, she could have been on her period and that would screw things up, or it could have been totally benign. She tells her not to worry. It’s no big deal.
And we’ve all been there. We’ve had our scares. We’ve had mole biopsies and colonoscopies that were slightly irregular. And, of course, we’ve all had a bit of nausea and a headache and let WebMD tell us that we have an inoperable brain tumor and about three weeks to live and, well, I guess now is a good a time as any to draw up a will. This happens to all of us, and it’s nothing. Don’t worry, Guerdy. But we know. Like the wind shaking the scraggly branches of a dead tree, we know what is coming, and it is bad.
By the time we get to Alexia’s “Nuevos Horizontes,” there is something clearly wrong with Guerdy, and she wants to leave the party early. She’d been beefing with Larsa all episode because she called Larsa “fake.” What is it with Housewives and being called fake? It’s like the worst thing you could possibly say to them. You could say that a Housewife was the cause of an entire genocide, and she’d just shrug one shoulder, but if you call her fake, she will put a fake nail right on your fake titty and call you an asshole with her fake lips while trying not to get any spittle on her fake tan.
After Guerdy steps out of the conversation about whether or not Larsa is fake (I have no opinion on the matter because I think fakeness is less of a fact and more of a vibe), Larsa tries to corner her before she and Russel get in the elevator out of Alexia’s party. Guerdy pulls her aside, grabs her by her wrist, and says, “Look at me. I’m going to need you. I don’t want to fight. When I call you, I need you to come.” It’s cryptic and strange, and now Guerdy is hugging Larsa and crying, and everyone thinks that she must be on magic mushrooms, because none of it is making any sense to them.
Oh, but it’s making sense to us. We know what she means when she says she’s going to need Larsa. She’s going to need all of them, and she’s going to need all of us.