You are currently viewing “The Real Housewives of Miami” Season 6, Episode 5 recap

“The Real Housewives of Miami” Season 6, Episode 5 recap

The women are together at a Formula 1 racing event when Lisa tells Larsa that Guerdy knows that she leaked the info about her diagnosis to everyone in the group and, by extensions, all of their glam squads, trainers, publicists, nannies, producers, and various and sundried other functionaries with whom they gossip every single day. Lisa was at an earlier F1 event (wouldn’t that make this event F2?) and told Guerdy that she knows that Guerdy is having a medical problem. Though Lisa refuses to say how she found out, Guerdy is immediately like, “Larsa told you, that bitch.” That’s the thing about telling a tight group, most of whom she trusts. She knows it wasn’t Dr. Nicole, Julia, or Adriana who spilled the radioactive chemo beans, it had to be Larsa. “I tested her because I knew she would sing like a canary,” Guerdy tells Lisa.

Lisa repeats that line to Larsa, who says, “Who would test cancer?” Yeah, and who would go around telling everyone that Guerdy has it? She didn’t say to Lisa and the gang, “Call your friend; she needs you.” She didn’t even hint or allege something was going on; she just flat out told everyone. When Lisa tells Larsa about the test, Larsa then says that Guerdy is not supposed to get mad or upset now that she has cancer. First of all, what is Larsa? The cancer police? And secondly, she’d have nothing to get mad about if Larsa didn’t open her Botoxed face hole.

Then Larsa says that Guerdy joked that she would need some drinks to tell people and says she shouldn’t be drinking when she has cancer. Okay, not only is Larsa the Cancer Police, but she’s now Dr. Cancer, M.D., and knows everything Guerdy should be doing. But since she’s drinking, Larsa says, “Do you have cancer, or do you don’t have cancer?”

That is an insane question. No one on a reality television program would dare fake a cancer diagnosis. Oh, wait. Never mind. But who on a reality television program would fake cancer again? No one! Dr. Nicole also says that Larsa called her and asked if Guerdy was really going through cancer. What, like she’s going around lying about it? That’s insane. Also, the thing Nicole took away from the conversation was not “Larsa’s concerned about you and was asking me questions about cancer so she could be better informed about what you’re going through.” No, what she took away from the conversation is that Larsa wants a second opinion. Sister, she shouldn’t have even been allowed to have a first opinion.

This all comes to a head at Julia’s Fuck Cancer party, and we have to give a shout-out to the graphic designer who turned a C and K, from “Fuck” in the logo, sideways in the pink ribbon (the symbol for breast cancer for those without a middle-aged woman in their life). Promotions and kudos to them. I’m so sad that Julia didn’t get to sing at the party, but given the graphic, we were getting of a whole murder of crows leaving a tree top when she hit her high note, I know it’s going to be better than the original recording of “Tardy for the Party.”

Anyway, by the time everyone gets to the party, Guerdy has already announced on Instagram her diagnosis because she wanted to do it herself rather than having the gossip press run with it. As soon as she knew Larsa had her tiny little oven mitts all over the truth, Guerdy had to act fast. Alexia gets to the party and doesn’t even compliment Guerdy on her amazing opera-inspired dress with a cape and a train or her hand bracelet. Yes, it was a silver band clasped around the middle of her hand, and I need one immediately. Horrible for typing, great for parties. But now Guerdy knows Larsa didn’t just tell Lisa; she told everyone.

When Larsa arrives, Guerdy is being short with her, and Larsa says my least favorite of all the lines frequently used in the reality television arts and sciences: “You can snap at me once, you can snap at me twice, but eventually you’re going to wake the sleeping bear.” Okay, so Guerdy expressing her anger at Larsa’s bad behavior is somehow Guerdy’s fault and will get her in trouble? Larsa can’t take any ownership of what she did. She’s expressed very little remorse or sadness for Guerdy from the minute she found out. This fight will be so amazing and deserved because there is no way you can view what Larsa did as right. None. Zero. Again, she’s making this too easy.

It seems like next week we’re going to get to hear all about Lisa, who has been attending the Meghan King Edmonds P.I. School, possibly planting a bug in Lenny’s car, and we’re surely going to get the end of the Larsa and Guerdy fight, so I want to shift our focus to the friends of for just a second.

I loved that Marysol was at home with her arm in a cast because she got hurt during the celebrity basketball game that I still don’t entirely understand. She has self-diagnosed herself with a broken spine, a broken hip, a broken clavicle, and a brain that is always broken. Sounds accurate. Then Kiki shows up at her house with a walker, saying that she should have been nicer to Adriana last season when she was complaining about her sprained ankle. Kiki is there to bitch about, who else, Larsa Marie Pippen, the scourge of the seven seas. She doesn’t like that Larsa isn’t hanging out with her now because she has a boyfriend. Sounds like typical Larsa.

But it’s odd how much the friends of do on this show. On any other show, we wouldn’t get a scene with two of them without a full-timer along to “own” the scene. Does this mean Marysol is inevitably going to get promoted? I don’t know. If anyone deserves a promotion, it is one Adriana de Moura. Say what you will about her (and I have said plenty), but she is very good at her job. She is officially the first Real Housewife to try ketamine therapy on the show. Not only that, she gave a full performance speaking (in English, of course) to her dead father and dead brother so that she could let go of the pain.