This season, which started out so strong, just limps to the finale like Peg-Leg Pete stumbling through a termite nest. How did we get here? How did we lose so much juice? I’m sure all the fans would love to blame it on Janet, the continued presence of Lala, or even Scheana in her bandeau top. (It is not the fault of her husband, Brock, and his new beautiful blond hair, because that was the most exciting thing we got all episode.) Maybe it’s just that the story lines all dragged on too long without any resolution in sight, just reiterating point after boring point until I would much rather watch Zack drink porn-star martinis and wipe caviar off his boyfriend’s face than get in another fight with Janet.

There are a few interesting, calm discussions. The most productive is when Jesse invites Michelle over to his house so that he can finally take responsibility for some of the things he did to end their marriage. She tells him that she always wanted to be friends with him, but she can’t trust him because he would call her names (nothing big, just “hooker”) and then pretend he didn’t. Jesse, with a single tear running down his face like someone just returned his bunny, says he gives Michelle all of his power in their divorce because he wants to atone for what he did. He accepts that it took both of them to end their marriage. They don’t quite hug it out, but it’s as close to civil as I think we’re going to get for these two. If only she had really thrown out his grungy knit beanie, that would have been the biggest favor she could have done for him. That sort of fashion euthanasia should be legal in all 51 states (including Canada).

Kristen and Brittany have a calm discussion about Kristen’s infertility and how her doctor made her feel less like a patient than a statistic. I really feel for Kristen, and it is a strange experience after she has been so wrong about nearly everything (except Miami Girl!) for a decade on Vanderpump Rules. However, we all know how Kristen’s story ends, and she is currently at home caring for an infant, so it’s a little hard to invest too much sympathy in a story line we know will work out. Well, I am sympathetic that she had to go through all this, but the baby came; it’s done. Like at my favorite massage parlor, it’s happy endings all around.

The next calm discussion takes place at Michelle’s Zen Party (I love the silly sound effect and graphic every time someone mentions the name of the party). This time, it’s Brittany and Jax sitting down and resisting the urge to scream at each other. Even at a lesser volume, Jax Taylor can still manage to be an absolute dick. Jax, who’s slamming shots at the party, is upset that Brittany never gave him a chance after he got out of rehab. Read that sentence over again and wonder whether or not that was a mistake. As Brittany points out, why should she have given him a chance when the whole time he was in there, he was insulting her, sending her disparaging texts, and spying on her in her own home?

Jax is convinced that Brittany is “bread-crumbing” him by calling him all of these names and then sending him nice texts with pictures of flowers. First of all, whoever taught Jax the term “bread-crumbing” should have all of their pubic hairs ripped out with rusty tweezers. Second, he’s not even using the term right. Brittany isn’t stringing him along with intermittent messages; she’s just sometimes being nice to him. Brittany says the reason she sent pictures of the flowers is because Jax said she couldn’t take care of the house herself, and she’s proving him otherwise. Girl, the whole reason you’re getting this divorce is so that you don’t have to do this to Jax’s face anymore. Just take care of your flowers. Know that he’s wrong, will always be wrong, and was never anything but wrong. He’s not going to notice one way or another.

Finally, Jax brings up that they’re getting divorced, and she asks if he has finally had a lawyer look at the papers. He says he hasn’t because he’s probably too stupid to figure out how to get a lawyer, too poor to pay for one, or a combination of the two. He says he’s going to wait to do that until the last possible day. When Brittany asks why, he responds, “Just because. Just because.” He is the absolute living worst. He is worse than a Chick-fil-A made out of donkey dung. He is worse than Morgan Wallen’s entire catalogue. He is worse than every bad tattoo that anyone ever got the day they turned 18. And he wants a second chance? God, I’m so glad he “stepped away” from “his show.”

The calm discussions are over. The editors do a nice trick when they show Kristen yelling at Jax for starting shit with Danny and Nia, then Danny being mad at Nia for leaving him with the kids all day, then Michelle yelling at Jesse about not asking about her ailing mother, then Scheana starting with Zack about that Jenna lady, who no one wanted in the first place and now we can’t stop talking about. She’s like the Lauren Sanchez of The Valley. Each of these scenes plays in the four corners of the screen simultaneously. I was waiting for a big graphic to flash across the middle, like the “More You Know” star, with text reading “Brought to you by alcohol!” That’s how this party went from Michelle handing out crystals and affirmations to everyone handing out recriminations and venom.

The fight with Jax, Danny, and Nia is so stupid, you would think it came from the Trump administration. Much like Janet, Jax has no reason to be talking about Danny’s drinking, other than that it happened a few times at his bar. Jax is upset that whatever he does is scrutinized by everyone, but when Danny gets drunk and handsy (allegedly, other than the one time he admitted and apologized for multiple times), nobody calls him out on it. Yeah, that’s because Danny is a really nice, solid guy who usually has everyone’s back. People want to like him because he gives off positivity. Jax gives off, I don’t know, the aroma of Filet-O-Fish farts. No one wants to be around that.

Jax sidles up to Danny and is just like, “What’s going on?,” trying to find some way into an argument with him. It gives the vibe that Jax is striving for relevance, proving to himself, the cast, and maybe even the producers that he can bring drama. Jax tells Danny that he’s a terrible drunk. Danny basically says, “Right back at ya,” and Jax gives us his line, yet again, that he has an anger problem and the drinking just makes it worse. So then he’s angry and drunk. Yeah, you know what that sounds like? Someone who is a terrible drunk! Jax accuses Danny and Nia of always wanting to look perfect and not show their bad sides, which is a somewhat valid criticism. Then he tells Danny, “It’s okay to not be okay.” Um, Jax, I don’t think that means what you think it means. It means that if you’re struggling with mental-health issues or other emotional problems, it’s better to tell someone than to mask them. He’s using it to mean that it’s fine if Danny shows a little bit of mess every now and then.

Then Nia Sanchez clocks in. When she hears the talk escalating, she comes over, and Jax asks how many times he’s had to call Nia to come pick Danny up at his bar. She says, as calm as a glass of lemonade on a July afternoon, “I’ve almost hit you with my car when you were stumbling in the middle of the street mumbling.” Done! Cleared! Destroyed! This is why I love Nia. She is so kind and sweet, always there with a smile and a kind word, but if you come for her or her family, she will deliver one effortless line that will absolutely decimate someone. Of all the people on this show, the one that I would never cross or tussle with is sweet, sweet Nia.

Then a fight erupts in and around Janet, and, you know what, I have no idea what these wildebeests are even huffing about anymore. Kristen is mad at Janet, Janet is mad at Kristen, Zack is mad at Brittany for being friends with Janet, Jason is pissed because he got a stupid tattoo on his finger. I can’t even follow it anymore. The only moment worth remembering is when Kristen apologizes if Janet found it hurtful that Kristen called her a “whore” and threatened to beat her up. Janet says of course it did; it would hurt Kristen too. And Kristen is like, “Nope, I wouldn’t care.” Know why? Because Kristen Doute is a professional. If she crumpled every time she was called a whore, she would never get up off her bathroom tile. She just trucks on, letting it happen again and again, like getting pelted with raindrops.

That’s kind of how the whole season ends, with Zack so drunk that he’s shouting after Janet and Jason, trying to start a fight no one can remember the reason for. Janet and Jason return just to tell Zack he’s drunk, and, well, he is. Here we are, right back where Vanderpump Rules started, with a bunch of drunk people calling one another drunks and shouting about how they cheated. This show wasn’t supposed to be that. It was supposed to be about these people who have grown up and are now facing mortgages, marriages, divorces, and children. It turns out they’ve been the children all along, and everything else has been a distraction.